Organize it yourself then...

 I've been having a really hard time with life lately. It seems that this hard time doesn't want to go away. It may just all be in my head. But even so, I don't know how to make it go away. When I moved out here I was optimistic that I could just recreate what I had begun to form back home. And I was dead wrong. Maybe it's a country thing, a country mentality (is that such a thing?). But I have met so much resistance. I feel so barricaded in these wide open spaces. Unfree to be myself. I have begun to see a pattern of dissolving my emotions temporarily in fantasy by watching a lot of Netflix or Hulu. Aside from shows I also find myself daydreaming about what my life could be like. More and more I picture myself in a place surrounded by mosslie trees, tall forests, damp ground and earth in the air. I instead step outside into a sweltering wave of sand and dry grass with sulfuric undertones from nearby oilwells. I miss trees. I miss green. I miss grass. Even though I didn't really live in a perfect climate before, I felt less trapped when encompassed by the forest, even if for only very seldom moments.

Right now I'm watching a show called 'Eureka'. Netflix gave it a 4.9 star rating by me so I figured maybe it would be something I could suck myself into for the next little while.

For the last week I've been attempting to organize a craft show for the town here. There is a woman that recently moved here and she is a crafting person like I am so I immediately tried to befriend her. Which she was open to. However, after both of us stating we want to do a show I've come to some points that I wish I could just shrug off. But I'm more than slightly annoyed. She keeps telling me how things need to be done. As if she is the craft show expert. Nevermind that I've helped host many in my time back home and have plenty of expertise. She didn't like my choice of name for a group of crafters. Or the pricing points (though she only wanted to change them by $5??? Pointless.) It's starting to get to the point where I just want to not do it. I'd say that it's at the point where I could do it myself. But I've been so ill received here that I am not sure anyone would support it, regardless of the amount of advertising and work put into it.

I guess the grass is always greener on the other side. Yadda yadda. I suppose I will always be like that. I wish I could stop. I've forever been telling myself, but unable to push into action, to take up bellydance & raw food again. *sigh*