The Controller

The control he has over the kid, me, everyone... it's a vice grip of death. The kid is 19. He has a job finally but it is only 6-8 hours a week. The controller sees that the kid should have a job for at least 2 years to show consistency to get a reference for any future jobs elsewhere. So, when kid is 21 he will be allowed to move to a job offering more hours, more pay because the controller deems it so. And the kid just obeys. He wants nothing for his own life. He just does what The Controller says to do.

I'm different from the kid. I don't obey. I don't do what The Controller says. I just placate him. I bide my time until I can get the fuck out of this hell hole. I've made plans. I tried to reach out to people to see what sort of ideas I can bounce off others, but instead they ghost me. The Controller has infected me with this plague. I cannot seem to hold onto a single friendship because he has his grip tightened so hard on me that anything I say about him is seen as crazy or insane enough that others just drop me. But I've made plans. But it's nothing big enough yet. I have a storage unit that costs $125 a month. It has a crate with some pictures in it, that's about it. I need to get more stuff moved to it. But it appears to be an impossible task. The Controller never leaves this house. Since Covid, we're all here 24-7, like a cozy happy family. Except it's a nightmare. Nobody would choose this life. The controller will not allow anything to be different, he finally has his life set up to where he can control everything about it, including people -- his favorite thing to enact his horrible misdeeds on.

The Controller is the only one the kid is allowed to listen to. It was established from day 1 that I am inferior as a human, and this is perpetuated by the kid. He hates women, he hates me, he is devoted to only The Controller and to think for himself would be a tragedy, so he doesn't. He makes no decisions, all things are decided for him. From what socks and underwear to wear, to which job he is allowed to have, to when he will be allowed to go to college. Everything he says to people outside this house is carefully crafted. All conversations with others are rehearsed continuously so that the kid can maintain a certain idea of what this family unit is about. I can only imagine what the high school kids working with the kid think of a 19 year old that can't drive and isn't allowed to go to college, and has no friends. The kids were never allowed to have friends. They could only come as themselves to everything, now which I know was to be controlled. The other kid got out. Thank god. She lives on the other side of the country. What a lucky bitch. She said fuck you to me, the controller and her brother. And I guess that's fine for her to live with, you can't expect a young girl to somehow abolish the control he has on everyone. She just escaped when she saw the opportunity.

The Controller always keeps me on my toes. I come to him to ask about food choices for a meal and it always devolves into some way to control everyone else. Today it just happened to be about the kid and his job that pays $9 an hour and only for 6-8 hours a week. Later it will be about controlling the image of us to his brother, who arrives tomorrow. I hope his brother isn't just like him. I can't handle have the 2 narcissists around me that I already have. A third one might kill me. Like I explained before, death sounds okay to me right now. But I've been making plans for what seems like years at this point. And I wonder what life would be like if I wasn't here in this place. I wonder what I would do with myself when I didn't have to constantly cater to The Controller. He doesn't allow me to have my own thoughts, at least not out-loud. I can only think these things to myself. It's been becoming such a struggle to have no outlet. Which is why I started this blog. I don't know if it's going to be cathartic, like 'DA' said. I disagreed with him about that. But it doesn't matter because he was just one of many that have ghosted me. I just want to get away. I'm trapped financially. Psychologically I am not okay. Neither is the kid, every day under this control he will just fall deeper into the hole that is this life.

Sometimes I just wish The Controller would die in his sleep, or have a stroke or heart attack, so it could be over easily. But instead it's going to be a hell of a time to get out without being caught. He will come after me. He has threatened me with lawyers, with misinformation and the abuse if I can't actually manage it will become beyond violent. At that point I'd envy the cats he throws at the wall when they don't do what he says. I'll wish that's all he does to me. He will destroy me. And I would like to avoid that. My problem that prevents me moving forward is, when I'm gone, how do I put this behind me? If someone is hunting me to destroy me, how do I live my life? So, I sit here and try to decide when it's time to go. But it will never be time to go. Because The Controller made it that way.