Reasons

The reasons I want to die:

- I was emotionally/physically/psychologically neglected as a child and spent all of my adult years re-raising myself.

- Due to my upbringing, I have only ever perpetuated the cycle of abuse that I endured and have never escaped. This has led to me never experiencing love from anyone since I have never been involved with romantically or platonically with someone who did.

- I am currently owned by a narcissistic abuser who makes my childhood years look like a cakewalk.

- My mother is currently dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the constant ups and downs associated with that are killing me. She abused me, yet she's dying. She doesn't understand that she abused me. She has no ability to put herself in others shoes. It doesn't bother her or keep her up at night when others feel pain.

- Kid here is a narcissist, routinely bullies me and I am told that this is my problem, I have to deal with it. I am to accept the abuse and need to solve the problem on my own.

- Boss at work passive agressively told our entire team that she hates I live an hour away and that it isn't okay with her and is now requireing me to drive to and from work every single day and is putting up a makeshift table in a basement of the data center that floods and has cockroaches and rats. Just so that I will be forced to be there. No one else has to do this. I am not on any probation. She just doesn't like that I live an hour away. That is it.

- I have always been depressed. Dysthymic my entire life. I never resorted to killing myself or wanting to die. I always wanted to live, because I just wanted things to get better. But now, I don't want to live. I do not want to be alive.

- My sister spreads rumors to everyone I ever knew that I abused her. She was the golden child, or possibly a lost child. But I never abused her. If anything I raised her the best someone could that was also being abused. But she didn't get the negative abuse, she was mostly just ignored. But nothing negative was attributed to her, only me. She was seen as the fragile, delicate one. I was the bad one. She befriends my old friends on Facebook, Instagram, etc and tells them stories about me. She tells them I am an abuser. I found this out through several of them. She did this to one of my ex-boyfriends and he just laughed her off. He knew better. But I'm not sure anyone else does.

- Who I thought was my best friend in high school apparently put up pictures of me in a bra on our mutual game picture post. If I did know about this, I forgot. But recently me and some other gamers were looking up old info for our old mutual servers and one of them found it. And under this photo it was captioned "two-cent ho". I don't know what to think about this. Towards the end of high school, when he was leaving to go off to college, he accused me of sleeping with someone from this game we played. And I didn't. I was just in another room getting away from all the noise. That's it. When I recently found out a mutual friend of ours died, I didn't reach out to this old friend, I reached out to some others, one that I thought we were close enough at one point, we had even gone to prom together, he was extremely cold to me. I think I have mis-remembered my entire existence and have been reenacting occasional happy moments. But they all have disliked me this entire time.

- I had a friend ghost me after he encouraged me to tell him what was happening with my life and the abuse I was going through. He said I should leave. And I of course agree with him. But I also need to leave abruptly without a trace. Narcissists are vindictive. I cannot have The Controller coming after me. This friend ghosted me without any sort of warning. I am unsure of reaching out to anyone anymore.

- With everything that keeps happening, I don't know if I can realistically finish school. School itself isn't hard necessarily, but I am unable to devote the time needed. A lot of my remaining courses require a certification to complete it. This means dedicating some serious time to it. Because of this I am seeing no future for myself. I currently make under $20/hour and like everyone else, can't afford to live alone. The world is unaffordable. I am not sure I could find and be accepted for any living situation. It is part of why I am still with The Controller - it gives me a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. I've already been at school for 5.5 years.

- I don't want to be like this. I have gone through so much re-raising of myself for 20 years that I feel as though I should be prepared for life now. But I'm not. Instead I'm trapped from several sides and what I really need to do is just disappear.

There's more, but I'm brain dumping. I need to or I will meltdown. I'm so close to ending it all. I had images in my head earlier that I don't even want to put here. I just can't take it anymore. The reasons I want to die:

- I was emotionally/physically/psychologically neglected as a child and spent all of my adult years re-raising myself.

- Due to my upbringing, I have only ever perpetuated the cycle of abuse that I endured and have never escaped. This has led to me never experiencing love from anyone since I have never been involved with romantically or platonically with someone who did.

- I am currently owned by a narcissistic abuser who makes my childhood years look like a cakewalk.

- My mother is currently dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer and the constant ups and downs associated with that are killing me. She abused me, yet she's dying. She doesn't understand that she abused me. She has no ability to put herself in others shoes. It doesn't bother her or keep her up at night when others feel pain.

- Kid here is a narcissist, routinely bullies me and I am told that this is my problem, I have to deal with it. I am to accept the abuse and need to solve the problem on my own.

- Boss at work passive agressively told our entire team that she hates I live an hour away and that it isn't okay with her and is now requireing me to drive to and from work every single day and is putting up a makeshift table in a basement of the data center that floods and has cockroaches and rats. Just so that I will be forced to be there. No one else has to do this. I am not on any probation. She just doesn't like that I live an hour away. That is it.

- I have always been depressed. Dysthymic my entire life. I never resorted to killing myself or wanting to die. I always wanted to live, because I just wanted things to get better. But now, I don't want to live. I do not want to be alive.

- My sister spreads rumors to everyone I ever knew that I abused her. She was the golden child, or possibly a lost child. But I never abused her. If anything I raised her the best someone could that was also being abused. But she didn't get the negative abuse, she was mostly just ignored. But nothing negative was attributed to her, only me. She was seen as the fragile, delicate one. I was the bad one. She befriends my old friends on Facebook, Instagram, etc and tells them stories about me. She tells them I am an abuser. I found this out through several of them. She did this to one of my ex-boyfriends and he just laughed her off. He knew better. But I'm not sure anyone else does.

- Who I thought was my best friend in high school apparently put up pictures of me in a bra on our mutual game picture post. If I did know about this, I forgot. But recently me and some other gamers were looking up old info for our old mutual servers and one of them found it. And under this photo it was captioned "two-cent ho". I don't know what to think about this. Towards the end of high school, when he was leaving to go off to college, he accused me of sleeping with someone from this game we played. And I didn't. I was just in another room getting away from all the noise. That's it. When I recently found out a mutual friend of ours died, I didn't reach out to this old friend, I reached out to some others, one that I thought we were close enough at one point, we had even gone to prom together, he was extremely cold to me. I think I have mis-remembered my entire existence and have been reenacting occasional happy moments. But they all have disliked me this entire time.

- I had a friend ghost me after he encouraged me to tell him what was happening with my life and the abuse I was going through. He said I should leave. And I of course agree with him. But I also need to leave abruptly without a trace. Narcissists are vindictive. I cannot have The Controller coming after me. This friend ghosted me without any sort of warning. I am unsure of reaching out to anyone anymore.

- With everything that keeps happening, I don't know if I can realistically finish school. School itself isn't hard necessarily, but I am unable to devote the time needed. A lot of my remaining courses require a certification to complete it. This means dedicating some serious time to it. Because of this I am seeing no future for myself. I currently make under $20/hour and like everyone else, can't afford to live alone. The world is unaffordable. I am not sure I could find and be accepted for any living situation. It is part of why I am still with The Controller - it gives me a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. I've already been at school for 5.5 years.

- I don't want to be like this. I have gone through so much re-raising of myself for 20 years that I feel as though I should be prepared for life now. But I'm not. Instead I'm trapped from several sides and what I really need to do is just disappear.

There's more, but I'm brain dumping. I need to or I will meltdown. I'm so close to ending it all. I had images in my head earlier that I don't even want to put here. I just can't take it anymore.