Love that's so pure and true
I've attempted to find a way to deal with all of my internal warfare... and external. I went to one of those online therapy sites and got lexapro. It was okay for the 2 weeks that my anxiety seemed to disappear. It did nothing else. But it was nice to not feel for awhile. Then they gave me bupropion. I don't know what my neurology make up is specifically, but whoever has what I have, should not take bupropion. All I can really say is that I regressed into a childlike state and my eyes felt like they were ripping out of my head.
The controller isn't happy with my progress. I'm taking too long to do school. I have 14 classes left, but I'm not moving fast enough to his liking. He wants me to quit my job so I can finish school faster.
The kid's hours at work dropped down to 2 hours a week a few months ago. And that's where it sits. This is preferred by the controller so he can say he his biding his time for the kid but also so he can talk down about him simultaneously. The controller likes to say his son is a useless piece of shit faggot.
I got a new car. I was trying to get it by myself. And somehow I still cannot get a car on my own. I don't know why. I have my job. I get paid around 3k a month and my debt to income ratio isn't bad at all. Yet, somehow they made the Controller the owner of my car, again. I don't know how or why this has happened. The further I live, the more he owns me.
I've said before, I don't want to live anymore. Anyone who was born into this world that never had support or love understands what I mean and how I mean it. It's not that I don't want to be alive, it's that being alive as me isn't what anyone would ever want. It's not just my emotions, my neurology, it's that I will never mean anything, this was designed since I began my existence on this planet. I was not wanted. I was pushed to nudge another being (my sister) into some sort of livable human. I was always just told I was wrong or bad in comparison to others. As an adult, there is not a person in existence that consists of anything kind that wants to take on the burden of someone like me, no matter how much I need it. I need the support and love and kindness of someone that means it. But that's not how it works for people like me. For people like me, you get abuse and shame and belittled and forced into a world that is hidden from anyone who might want to help you. But even without the help of others, and just understanding where I am. It's impossible to try to achieve anything outside of this.
I always felt like I was slipping away. I wasn't ever able to describe the why of it or how it came to be. But it's so deep down inside of me now, that it makes some sort of sense. I was born to play out this life, the one I have. It's not a message to anyone. I'm invisible. I'm a punching bag at times, but I am not significant. I was meant to be nothing. I was meant to be a garbage can for others to piss in. Someone has to be it. So everyone else can be happy. I'm not the only one. So many like me, and how many of us begin like this and are still holding on after 37 years? I wish to know. I wish to know who escaped or became something else, or just ended it all. Is it even possible? I really don't think it is. I replay who and what I am over and over and see no way I am anything other than what I've become. I cannot become anything else. I was created to serve a purpose and have since been passed around as that object from person to person, and here I am now with that entire life laid out behind me, this sticky tar-like path with holes I managed to circumvent, which maybe I should have just allowed myself to fall through. Maybe in this game, I should just accept defeat and die. Just do it. End this.
The controller isn't happy with my progress. I'm taking too long to do school. I have 14 classes left, but I'm not moving fast enough to his liking. He wants me to quit my job so I can finish school faster.
The kid's hours at work dropped down to 2 hours a week a few months ago. And that's where it sits. This is preferred by the controller so he can say he his biding his time for the kid but also so he can talk down about him simultaneously. The controller likes to say his son is a useless piece of shit faggot.
I got a new car. I was trying to get it by myself. And somehow I still cannot get a car on my own. I don't know why. I have my job. I get paid around 3k a month and my debt to income ratio isn't bad at all. Yet, somehow they made the Controller the owner of my car, again. I don't know how or why this has happened. The further I live, the more he owns me.
I've said before, I don't want to live anymore. Anyone who was born into this world that never had support or love understands what I mean and how I mean it. It's not that I don't want to be alive, it's that being alive as me isn't what anyone would ever want. It's not just my emotions, my neurology, it's that I will never mean anything, this was designed since I began my existence on this planet. I was not wanted. I was pushed to nudge another being (my sister) into some sort of livable human. I was always just told I was wrong or bad in comparison to others. As an adult, there is not a person in existence that consists of anything kind that wants to take on the burden of someone like me, no matter how much I need it. I need the support and love and kindness of someone that means it. But that's not how it works for people like me. For people like me, you get abuse and shame and belittled and forced into a world that is hidden from anyone who might want to help you. But even without the help of others, and just understanding where I am. It's impossible to try to achieve anything outside of this.
I always felt like I was slipping away. I wasn't ever able to describe the why of it or how it came to be. But it's so deep down inside of me now, that it makes some sort of sense. I was born to play out this life, the one I have. It's not a message to anyone. I'm invisible. I'm a punching bag at times, but I am not significant. I was meant to be nothing. I was meant to be a garbage can for others to piss in. Someone has to be it. So everyone else can be happy. I'm not the only one. So many like me, and how many of us begin like this and are still holding on after 37 years? I wish to know. I wish to know who escaped or became something else, or just ended it all. Is it even possible? I really don't think it is. I replay who and what I am over and over and see no way I am anything other than what I've become. I cannot become anything else. I was created to serve a purpose and have since been passed around as that object from person to person, and here I am now with that entire life laid out behind me, this sticky tar-like path with holes I managed to circumvent, which maybe I should have just allowed myself to fall through. Maybe in this game, I should just accept defeat and die. Just do it. End this.
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